Stream It Or Skip It: ‘A Vampire in the Family’ on Netflix, a Leandro Hassum Slapstick Comedy That’s Just Plain Bats

Just in time for Christmas is Halloween-themed comedy A Vampire in the Family (now on Netflix), starring Brazilian funnyguy Leandro Hassum. Any of y’all who are craving chalices of blood and Nosferati in their stockings should sink their fangs into this wacky romp about a retired footballer (futboller?) with a podcast who – well, before I go any further, let it be known you’re about to spend 90 minutes with a character with a podcast, and that might be a red flag. Another might be the promise of more wearying vampire tropes. And the participation of Hassum, who seems to be a love-him-or-hate-him Sandleresque type (both have been in multiple Netflix movies) who’ll either have you in stitches or reaching for the mute button. Three guesses, then, in which bucket I fall into, and the first two don’t count.

A VAMPIRE IN THE FAMILY: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Fernandinho (Hassum) never, ever, ever, ever, ever shuts up. Ever. He prattles on in a rapid-fire chatter that doesn’t just fill the airspace, it eats it alive as it screams in pain. (If you don’t believe me that airspace can scream in pain, well, then you haven’t seen this movie.) So it’s no surprise that he hosts his own podcast in his garage, capitalizing on his fame as a retired soccer star. Or is it infamy – he once blew an easy championship-winning goal, and it was so egregious, many people believe he threw the game for a payoff. Even his own daughter doesn’t believe him when he protests that a mosquito flew up his nose at the absolute worst possible time, causing him to miss a net that was about as wide open as the space between Saturn and Uranus. 

This tragedy pains and haunts Fernandinho, as it would anyone, but hey, at least he’s rich as hell in his palatial home, where his sports paraphernalia sits in a glass display where everyone can see his ego slowly fading to twilight. He lives there with his ludicrously beautiful wife Vanessa (Monique Alfradique), their eight-year-old daughter Moniquinha (Maria Flor Franco) and his daughter from his previous marriage, Carol (Mel Maia). The movie establishes the family dynamic right off the bat: Moniquinha is pissed at her dad for failing to invite Neymar to her birthday party, Carol is a sullen goth teen who rarely emerges from her room and Vanessa loves him for reasons that are difficult to ascertain from our perspective, because the guy is so OTT overbearing, you’ll want to stuff him in the basement gimp locker from Pulp Fiction.

One evening there’s a knock at the door and it’s Gregorio (Romulo Arantes Neto), Vanessa’s brother. Nobody’s heard a peep from him for five years, but here he is, tanned and cut and dashing, in need of a place to stay. He’s been traveling, he says, and he’s been off the grid – no photos, no smartphone, no social media. WHAT A MANIAC, RIGHT? And of course, Vanessa and Carol and Moniquinha loooooove Gregorio, and one assumes that’s because there’s been a marked lack of charismatic adult male figures in this house for a long time, which makes the terminally insecure Fernandinho feel extra-threatened. What’s the best place Uncle Gregorio has visited? Why, Romania, of course. Any particular reason for that? I wonder!

And so Gregorio overstays his welcome, but only if you’re Fernandinho. I guess Fern has a point – his bro-in-law drinks all his booze and borrows his car and generally makes himself a little too much at home. Gregorio’s eccentric behavior prompts Fernandinho to start snooping around. Even though the guy’s been living in his house for two months, Fern just now notices that Gregorio boarded up all the windows in his room, from whence a strange yucky stench has been emanating. Wild! And then one evening a big ugly bat flies into the house and Fernandinho wacks it with an oar but then it bites him in the ass. This does not bode well for Fernandinho. Is there a monster in the house? Well, I think there’s two – a vampire and an obnoxious ass, but it’s pretty clear which one is the immediate threat around here.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: I think Guy Who Never Stops Prattling On is Hassum’s persona, because he played a very similar character in another Netflix flick, Fenced In. So cross that with Renfield and Rob Zombie’s comedically moribund Munsters movie and you’ve got a dud like A Vampire in the Family. 

Performance Worth Watching: Let’s just say the writing leaves the entire supporting cast for dead, playing second fiddle to Hassum’s yappity-yap. You’re either here for him or you’re very much elsewhere. 

Memorable Dialogue: When Moniquinha dresses up like a super-adorbs vampire for Halloween and scares her dad, it inspires this prime example of the movie’s desperately crummy sense of humor: “Cute? Tell that to my underwear,” Fernandinho sputters.

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: Let it be known that A Vampire in the Family plays pretty fast and loose with traditional vampire rules, so you wooden-stake-and-holy-water fundamentalists might take serious umbrage here. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. (You guys are just as nutty about these things as the zombie zealots who harp on the Romero Rules.) Case in point: We learn here that vampires not only don’t show up in mirrors or photographs, but they can’t be tagged in social media posts, which is quite the ultramodern twist on vampirism – and I guess it’s only logical, but you’ll still roll your eyes at it.

Also, let it be known that this little wrinkle is the only way this movie is even remotely original or endearing. I noted earlier that Hassum seems to be a divisive funnyguy; some will appreciate how he furiously, rapid-fire ad-libs his way through scenes, while others will want to cram a ballgag in his face if only to stop him from consuming all the available oxygen in the room and therefore prevent the suffocation of the rest of the cast. His portrayal of a selfish, cowardly doofus is certainly high-energy, but keep in mind, a horde of yapping, leg-humping schnauzers could also be considered “high-energy.” The jokes here are too easy – silly jabs at Vanessa’s hardcore veganism, the hacky golddigging ex-wife character, etc. – there’s an overreliance on slapstick, the visual effects are sub-Buffy makeup and cruddy CGI, and it all leads to a loud, chaotic and annoying third act. It’s content to leave its satirical tendencies undeveloped, instead leaning heavily on the wacky farce. A little bit of this kind of comedy goes a long way, and there’s way too much of it here.

Our Call: Don’t invite this one into your house. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.